sigh

listening to li sheng jie - shou fang kai

woke up early today to do some studying.. done more than half of haemo when i started to miss him.. he would always be there to cheer me up when im sick of studying in the past..

i thought i would never shed another tear for him again.. but im crying again now.. haven been crying for a few days already.. even when im crying i miss him.. im a person who will not wipe away my tears when i cry.. i will just cry and cry and let the tears dry up by itself.. he used to wipe my tears away with his shirt and hug me tightly so that i can bury my head in his chest and cry as much as i want.. ill always end up with swollen eyes but at least i feel happy..

now.. no matter how much i cry.. i wont feel any better.. tired of acting happy in front of my mum and all.. dunno how am i going to survive the coming common test this way..

was talking to gwen yesterday about him.. she was telling me that maybe he is not as happy as he seem.. but i know him well.. he cant fake his feelings for nuts.. if he looks happy, hes really damn happy.. if hes sad.. theres no way he can hide it.. thats him.. its sad to know that he is happier without me.. but that just happens to be the cold hard truth..

its best when both parties can agree to the breakup amicably.. but what happens when one is against it while the other one is determined to end the relationship? my aunt popped by my house just now after sending my grandfather home from his dialysis.. she asked me lots of questions that almost reduced me to tears on the spot..

1)how come break up?
2)you two were together for very long right?
3)he dump you or u dump him?

i didnt know what to say either.. the questions were asked in such a straightforward manner.. theres no way to avoid answering them.. heres what i said..

1)it just happens like that.. (real answer: so much has happened that led to the breakup and its just too painful to recall every single factor that contributed to the end of the relationship)

2)not very long lah.. 15 months only.. (real answer: its freaking long to me.. thats why im having a hard time trying to forget everything.. not very long? i dunno what i was saying also.. 3birthdays(2 mine, 1 his).. 2xmases.. 2new year.. 1 chinese ny.. 1 valentine's day.. not very long? who am i trying to kid.. fucking stupid answer..)

3)we both decided to end it.. (another fucking stupid answer.. i hate myself so much.. trying to save some face.. actually i was dumped. fullstop. no whys no buts no whatever. )

why did she have to ask me all those painful questions?

actually.. i am very thankful to the friends who stuck with me all the while.. they were always there for me.. like the peeps in tkd.. (sandy.. ying.. clara.. and esp ch.. ).. got my classmates (daniel.. chiu yen.. ).. kiat whye.. and theres gwen.. my best buddy for the past 10 years of my life..

they made my life better by being there for me.. but theres no way to take away all my pain.. i still feel like im on my own in a dark bottomless pit sometimes.. like now..