yuan xiao jie

listening to greenday - boulevard of broken dreams

lectures ended early at one today.. glad to be able to head home early cause mum's at home preparing for dinner tonight.. can help her out =)

today is the last day of chinese new year (yuan xiao jie) and im having a feast at home later for dinner.. =) time to get fat..

***

training yesterday was tiring but FUN.. its been so long since i last felt like i was dying from breathlessness from all the exercising.. to push on and complete the training.. the feeling is great.. the tiredness helps me to forget everything.. and the kickings let me vent out all the accumulated unhappiness inside me..

sir praised me a number of times during trainings recently.. of cos im feeling happy.. cause he seldom (if not never) praise my kicks before.. hand movements ive heard quite a number of times.. but never the kicks.. cause my kicks are really that bad.. =P

***

training was so therapeutic yesterday.. i actually felt pretty happy (feeling happy is a rare thing for me lately)..

until sir popped my happy balloon by talking to me about cs..

the conversation started like this..

sir: so... hows chee siong recently?

me: (stunned and stammers) ermm.. i dont know.. we lost contact already..

sir: lost contact already ah...

awkward silence...

sir: nevermind about him lah.. let him be.. if he wants to turn bad theres nothing we can do..

me: but... see him like that very xin tong..

sir: smoking really is bad for health.. i dont understand why people like to smoke (proceeds to talk about one of his relative who went for operation recently due to long term smoking related problem)

sir: he is so young.. dont understand why he want to smoke also..

me: (shocked) but sir... chee siong dont smoke..

sir: (equally shocked) you dont know meh.. one of the kids saw him smoking one two months ago.. still asked the parent whether is it him or not..

me: (tearing) sure or not.... i dont believe he will smoke... he hate the smell.. his friends smoke only.. he never smoke one.. (continues babbling)

sir: you dont believe you go ask the kids.. one of the poom belts saw him smoking.. (notices me crying) you cry for what.. he dont want you what for you care for him..

me: but.. feel very xin tong.. (unable to talk cause i will bawl if i continue)

sir: you been with him for how long?

me: one year plus.....

sir: den me? he was my student for how many years..

me: 8 years..

sir: u see... you only one year plus.. i see him from grow up from primary school kid until now.. he left without a word.. u think i dont feel sad?

me: (silence)...

***

the conversation went on.. but mostly he was telling me that people come and go and i should not think about the past.. what is important is the future..

somehow.. i still refuse to believe that he smokes..

but then.. who am i trying to convince? myself?

i used to tell myself that i will leave my boyfriend if he ever pick up smoking.. now i realised how naive i was..

l always thought i will feel very angry and leave my boyfriend if he ever smoke..

now i realised that anger is not the feeling..

its pain and sadness..

sigh....