Listening to Soul Asylum - Runaway train

sa pek (in teochew; gramps's third brother) is the latest to go up the lorry.

out of so many relatives (some of whom i dont even know), hes my favourite.

we visit his house every year during chinese new year without fail. the only one family that we visit.

i remember him becoming weaker and weaker these years. the last time we visited him they had to shift a mattress down to the ground floor so that he could get to the toilet more easily.

its so near but he still has difficulty going that few steps.

and so. the phone rang while i was brushing my teeth the other day. gramps picked up the phone and got the bad news.

***

its my first time attending a funeral wake. couldnt stop crying seeing him in the coffin and hearing ji gou (teochew; second aunt) said how afraid he was and how he didnt want to go.

i kept thinking of him as i tried to sleep last night.

remembering what he told me during this year's CNY.

that i look too petite for my job. that i have to take good care of gramps.

remembering how he looked like then in his singlet. and how he looked yesterday in suit and tie.

couldnt erase the images and the thoughts out.

i think mum is right in banning me from attending funerals ever since i was young (i dont know why, but i insisted on going yesterday). the depressing aura affected me more than i thought.

***

i like him because he didnt bully gramps when they were kids. cant say the same for the other brothers.

i like him because he didnt look down at us. (gramps is the only poor one out of the big big family. for eg? sa pek's 3 storey terrace worth 2 million.)

***

feeling rather emotional since i got back from the funeral yesterday.

cos after living 20 years of my life, i finally found out about my own parentage - if thats what they call it.

its shocking, not nice to know, and i find it disgraceful.

yes. i feel ashamed of my own existence.

that sucks. i dont know what can suck more.

***

and im beginning to feel that whatever i feel for the gang, its just one-sided.

maybe i thought im close to them, maybe i never were of significance to them.

i dont know.

my mind is in a fucked up mess right now.

not in the right state of mind for anything.