fucked up

listening to greenday - boulevard of broken dreams

let me begin this entry by saying that im not in a good mood right now.. feeling pretty fucked up over some things.. i JUST SIMPLY do not understand why some people have to be so serious about everything in life.. i mean.. does it kill to just relax for a single second?

havent been getting enough sleep recently.. im going to go mad soon if this goes on.. three trainings a week is taking its toll on me.. i feel so drained most of the time while im in school/hosp..

ive got two very big blisters on my feet right now.. a result of yesterday's training.. but its worth the pain tho.. managed to learn around half of the aerobics already.. for peeps who are laughing yourself to death at the thought of me doing aerobics ala those girls wearing 'splittingly' tight tights.. you can stop laughing now..

taekwonaerobics is not those typical aerobics that involves ladies in tights prancing around (as seen on tv).. its really tough.. and it needs lots of practice in order to make it perfect.. it can be so tough that doing it a few times can leave you gasping for air.. so dont laugh at me the next time i tell u im learning taekwonaerobics.. i shall laugh at your stupidity and condemn you as being ignorant. (im really sick of the laughing.. its really a beautiful art.. stop the laughing..)

we've performed aerobics at many demos before and NO one has ever laughed at us.. in fact.. it looks impressive to most of the audience.. people always stop and look at us practice in our training ground.. so if you are one of those peeps who laugh at the idea of taekwondo peeps doing aerobics.. i can only say that you are shallow. and sua ku.

forgive me for being so rude.. i really like taekwon aerobics a lot.. i don mind if you dont like it.. just dont laugh at it.. i feel sick of people laughing at the idea..

ive developed a newfound respect for taekwondo since ive become a bb.. seeing some of those kids training so hard at saturday trainings makes me feel motivated to train as hard.. i still dislike things like sparrings and kickings.. but im learning to improve myself.. as for patterns and aerobics.. i like them a lot because i always get a very happy feeling when im doing it.. i can have blisters all over my feet and cramps in my arms from all those movements but i have a feeling of happiness in me..

very little things can make me feel happy since the breakup.. i feel that i can find happiness when im doing aerobics and pattern..

i know i have a fucked up attitude and i am extremely stubborn at times recently.. im sorry to friends who have to see me at my worst.. more so for those who have to bear with my sarcasm and rude words.. its really tiring to pretend that im happy all the time.. im really sorry.. im not someone who can display my sadness for all to see.. and then make the whole world feel sad with me.. i dont want sympathy.. and i hate the looks on people's face when they ask me if im ok.. IM OK.. im really ok.. im not suffering from a terminal disease or anything.. its just a breakup.. i will get over it myself sooner or later..

sometimes.. being fucked up and showing a very bad attitude is my way of hiding the sorrows deep inside me.. i prefer to appear strong than cry in front of everybody and lament about my life..

as ch said.. those people who can open up to everyone and share their problems are the strongest people.. because they can get over things faster and stand up faster..

those people who always look strong and stubborn.. they appear strong.. but they are the weakest of all people.. just like ch and me.. we are the people who prefer to cry into our pillows instead of on someone's shoulder..

until i find the special someone who can be my pillar of support, i prefer my old and dusty pillow.