depressed?

listening to yellowcard - only one

i think my mood has hit a new low again..

i dont feel like talking to anyone.. i dont feel like eating.. i dont feel like doing anything other than sinking into deep thoughts..

been thinking about relationships and stuff..

this entry is going to sound like yan's latest entry.. but i cant help but feel the same way as she does.. i feel like im reading something that ill prolly say myself..

jerks are jerks..

ive really seen enough of jerks.. enough to last me for a lifetime.. and im only 18..

thats like only one quarter in the coffin..

jerks can turn a girl's world into living hell.. its better to have nothing rather than having it all and then losing it all at one go..

jerks walk into a girl's life with sweet talk, promises, TLC..

and walk out leaving promises broken, unpleasant words.. showing the girl a person who has undergone a 360 degree transformation..

but the thing is.. once a girl falls in love deeply.. it doesnt matter if the guy has changed..

the girl will always believe that the guy is still the old him deep down.. even if the facts are staring at her in the face.. screaming in her ears that the guy has changed and happy times will never return.. no matter how she longs for it to come..

***

i hate the feeling that i get when i think back about the broken promises (no.. hes not a jerk)..

i feel so saddened to know that the good old days are out of reach.. i want to hate him for breaking all the promises to me.. but i just feel too sad and weak to muster the hatred..

cos i know deep down.. he probably meant what he said when he made the promises.. its not like he is lying to me deliberately..

***

heard from the tkd gang that he is coming back to train with us.. seems like everyone knows about it except me..

ive been driving myself to exhaustion these days by practising backthrust and jumping backthrust at home everyday.. jumping backthrust is his speciality.. perfect aiming.. perfect execution.. together with the power to kill.. its ... lethal..

even tho hes long gone, his name will always be mentioned whenever we talk about the perfect backthrust.. hes the one..

sir is someone who will never praise a person openly unless he or she really deserves the honour.. yet i always hear him commenting that cs's backthrust is the best ever in our club time and again.. the only student who has attained his standard of a proper backthrust.. blah blah..

somehow i have the urge to train my backthrust to be my best kick.. sir has said that all i have to do is to thrust my leg all the way into the target.. then my backthrust is perfect already..

but i dont believe that..

to me, perfection is cs's backthrust.. nobody deserves the word perfect better than he does..

ive seen him practice his backthrust with so much dedication that no one can match that..

i spend a lot of time brushing up my backthrust on the sandbag.. whenever i can.. but everytime i feel a bit more confident about myself, ronald always comes and do one backthrust that sends the sandbag flying to nowhere..

comparing his kick to mine.. of course my morale cui (shatter) liao..

ronald keep saying that he has finally achieved cs's standard..

-_-

the fact that cs remains modest and continues training hard admist all the praise is enough to show that hes better than ronald..

not to mention that hes much faster than ronald..

***

back to the fact that hes coming back for training soon..

i dont know how to face him..

sigh..