listening to xiao hu dui - hu die fei ya

first of all.. i appeal to all friends out there who actually cares for me (if there are any) to start a fund for me now.. donations for coffins or burial service or whatever will be greatly appreciated..
received news from ch yesterday that my first opponent in nationals is from SAFSA (Sg Armed Forces Sports Assoc)..

i a m g o i n g t o b e s o d e a d..

havent exactly seen female fighters from SAFSA.. but looking at the standard of their male fighters.. i think i should start asking for donations now..

but well..

although i said i didnt want NUS or NTU..

i didnt expect SAFSA to send down female fighters this year.. almost got a heart attack..

kanasai.. must be the bad karma accumulated for not listening to chiu yen's advice to ji dian kou de (sorry if u dont get it.. i dont know how to translate it to mandarin)..

***

went for napfa yesterday.. if only chiu yen or cui wen were there.. cos they understood me better as a person.. would have understood how frustrated i felt..

i guess people who dont know me will just see me as either

(1) super kiasu or competitive

or

(2) a big fat liar

i dont even have to use my brains to figure out how much bad comments about me would be passed around after i left with kiat whye yesterday..

but what i did.. i felt that it was justifiable..

the following is not to explain to anyone about anything.. just felt that i needed to vent things out a little..

i have never ever ever gotten a bronze before in my napfa since those days when i was fat like a ball in pri sch.. all throughout my sec sch ive been getting silver for 4 years consecutively.. missing gold every year because of the stupid shuttle run..

and to miss that silver this year by just a fucking miserable one cm in standing board jump.. its like.. fucking insulting to my own track record.. and its no one's fault but mine because i really couldnt make myself jump that extra one cm..

and i felt so frustrated but i couldnt tell anyone without them feeling like im some kind of idiot obssessed with getting good results for napfa..

then theres the sit and reach thingy.. the stupid instructor insisted that shoes must not be taken off because it will not affect the results..

fucking stupid in my opinion.. its people's choice whether to take off their shoes or not ok.. hes not the one taking the test..

and it MATTERS hell lot to me whether im wearing shoes or not.. cos i simply cant stretch for nuts with my shoes on (never ever ever wore shoes before during taekwondo.. not my fault that im used to being barefooted)..

so i was the only one who took off my shoes despite the instructor's saying that it doesnt help..

classmates must have seen me as super kiasu or something because i would have gotten an A anyway with shoes..

but i just wanted to see how much i improved since the last time i took the test.. so naturally i would try my best to find that out..

i did lah.. 56 cm was the best result i ever had.. and i have to admit that i feel proud of myself for being able to go beyond half a metre.. hitting beyond the A grade by almost 10 cm..

at least i know 2 plus years of stretching in tkd is not wasted..

nothing much to say about sit up.. cos ive been doing 100 at home everyday.. not a big deal..

and im happy about shuttle run too.. i think people must have though i lied when i said im really a hopeless case in shuttle run..

but its true.. my gold every year is gone all because of this station during sec sch days.. its my ultimate weakness..

but i hit below 11 yesterday.. again.. my best ever.. really have to thank the tkd gang for practising with me as well as teaching me how to run faster..

its really my first time running like that.. im shocked by myself too.. but then.. people wouldnt understand.. i must have looked like a big fat liar..

then lastly.. the 2.4 run.. again.. my best timing ever at 13 plus minutes.. but again.. i must have looked like a big fat liar because i told people that my best timing was only a fucking lousy 15 plus minutes.. which is true i swear.. that was my best timing for napfa ever.. set when i was in sec 4..

i cant explain how happy i felt yesterday when i hit 13 plus.. its really like.. beyond words.. and i only lost to a school team canoeing sprinter..

im really fucking happy for myself.. and i really feel happy that classmates were giving me encouragement when i passed them every round..

but then.. running like that yesterday.. who would believe me that my best timing before that was really just 15.35?

have to say that im someone whos really affected by what people think of me.. thinking about how much bad stuff about me were said after i left yesterday.. it made me feel really upset..

cuiwen called me at night when i reach home.. and she totally understood how i felt when i told her everything.. feels so good to let everything out to someone who wouldnt see me as either a freak or a liar..

2 and a half hours on the phone with a fren like her is therapeutic.. of cos we talked about other stuff lah..

and i talked to chiu yen online yesterday.. she said she believed that im not lying.. and i really felt glad that there were people who didnt have doubts about what i say..

really really appreciative of having friends like that in the class.. 2 is enough.. in a class like mine..