listening to andy lau - ru guo tian you qing

blogging again.. like i got too much time..

actually its the other way round.. got too little time.. but i guess there always time reserved for kao beh-ing..

in step is not looking any better.. which means i STILL CANT RUN.. fuck man.. really really really very frustrated..

to be honest.. ive been feeling very sick of myself since sunday..

i know i can go on harping about how cruel and stupid my opponent was.. to kick me like that and then ice her leg at the end of the day.. but..

its my fault lah.. my own damn fault.. im just trying to shift the blame off myself by putting all the blame on her..

i should have retaliated.. fought back..

debbie and steph have sparred with her before.. and they survived wad.. no reason why i should chicken out as a black belt..

really a throw of face.. not only mine.. but henderson's as well..

i feel even more sick of myself thinking of how randal, han, ronald, sop and him sparred..

i think no one can understand how i feel..

i just punished the poom belts on the day before because of their attitude towards training..

and there they were cheering for me during the match..

really didnt expect them to do that for me when i just scolded them the day before.. i thought they would have hated me..

all i have to do was to do my best.. i would not have disappoint anybody.. and i would still have my pride in front of the radin mas people..

i kept saying that i could not have 'out-fierce' her.. but who am i kidding man.. everyone has told me that i can be fiercer than her if i want to.. i have seen myself get into a rage that scares myself off..

i should have done what i did during the nationals.. the intent to kill my opponent..

it just didnt happen on sunday..

i am so disappointed with myself really.. its not because i tried and failed.. argh.

ive been thinking of this all the time when i look at my injuries..

I VOW NEVER TO CHICKEN OUT AGAIN. IF I SPAR I WILL BLOODY HELL DO MY DAMN BEST.

living with serious injuries is better than living with the disappointment and self disgust..