Listening to Orange Range - Hana

Ive had enough with the shit in my life right now.

Im really really tired and drained already.. all the pretence to be happy recently failed as i exploded and broke down yet again during training..

It all started when sir asked us to train up on backhook today.

In tkd, any kick that has the word "back" in it will kill my back when i do it.

Friends who know me well enough will know that my spine is not exactly straight and its not my fault because im fucking born like that.

I cant master the fucking backhook for nuts because i cant twist my back to the angle that is required.

Its damn frustrating to see friends advancing while im still stuck in the rut.

Even more frustrating when everything is not my damn fault to begin with.

Sir understands that i cant do it when he saw my face after training.. and he told me its ok if i cant do the back hook..

I understand that he meant well.. but i was like crushed when i heard that..

So many times ive heard friends telling me to give up on a certain movement because of my back..

how many more things must i give up?

i like tkd and i want to be able to learn and improve on whatever skill that im taught. just like anyone else.. i dont want to be fucking left behind because of my fucking back.

im super upset with myself when training ended so i was sitting there talking to sandy about how fucked up i feel not being able to advance like everyone else..

at that moment, the basketball that they were playing with hit my head.

hard.

dont fucking ask me why i have such a fucking high affinity with flying objects like planks, balls, whatever fucking weird stuff thats not supposed to go around hitting people's face/eye/back/knee/etc.

no points for guessing it right that i exploded right at that very moment.

it reflected very badly of my status as a black belt.

firstly, i yelled out some really rude expletives in front of the kids.

secondly, i yelled at zh to get lost when he came over to apologise.

thirdly, i broke down and bawled like an infant.

very unglam.

zh smsed me to apologise again while duncan apologised to me over msn.

sometimes, looking beyond his crazy self while playing with the kids, duncan is a nice friend to have.

i didnt expect him to tell me that he wasnt angry at me for exploding because he was standing in my shoes to think of things.

the issues that are giving me the high dose of unhappiness are related to mostly work and him.

i know he is not supposed to affect me anymore but sometimes when im really really really fucking tired with stuff, i lose the willpower to continue building the wall between him and my heart.

and in the split second that i let my guard down, i allow the little details to enter my heart and wreck havoc..

i dont think i can hold on any longer..

i need a break from all these shit.