X Japan - Endless Rain

I got thrashed at the sparring session this morning. It was not my first time getting thrashed but I have never seen worse in my five (almost) years in taekwondo.

My opponent is not a human. He is a piece of machinery designed to destruct people.

He won the match, destroyed my confidence, turned my arm into some purple piece of dangling meat that does not even look like an arm anymore.

The injury was bad. My arms have swelled out of proportion and it has turned into a ugly mass of green, red and purple.

I cant recognise my arms, knees, hips and feet anymore. They are not supposed to be purple.

The pain is there no matter what i do. It is taking the fun out of everything, including eating, which is like the only thing that can cheer me up these days. I move my bloody mouth to the food in my hands, not vice versa.

The pain is constantly there. It reminds me of my sadistic wisdom tooth extraction, it sucks and i do not like it one bit.

Mum asked me if getting injured over and over again like this is worth it.

Will someone please tell me that to do?

I suck at taekwondo, I wasted 2 years of guiding people as a black belt and no one appreciates it, I cant command respect because I am a female and I have no skills to back up my credibility.

To top it off, I just turned my perfectly normal looking arm into some purple piece of shit.

I have not felt so bad because of taekwondo since the time i was suspended for one grading. That was eons ago.

I am crying buckets as I am typing this. I choose to believe that it is partly because of the pain and I am still sane. I hope I am right.

I hope I am alright.

I choose to believe that I am someone who can endure a lot of physical pain.


Upper left arm.


Lower Left Arm.


Left Hand. Nice green-ery.


Right Knee. Left one looks exactly like this too.


Lower Right Arm.

I hope you think this is bad too because that would help convince me that I am actually delirious of the pain and not because I am going mad soon.

If you think this is bad, multiply the surface area of the injuries by two, imagine everything in a deeper shade of purple and that is how my upper right arm looks like right now.

My hips are pretty badly bruised too.