i seemed to be engulfed in an overwhelming sense of helplessness these days.. it feels like im losing track of my life..

work has been depressing and draining.. possibly made much worse by the darn appraisal.. i hate myself for being contradictory.. here i go saying that i dont want to get caught in the chase for the so called fame and glory.. there i go feeling frustrated when i get left out while everyone around me is climbing up..

its a weird feeling.. im pretty sure im not a competitive person.. competition and ambitious people scares me.. but i cant explain why i feel a void in me when things like this happen.. my confidence in my work performance is faltering.. like im resigning to fate that i should be treated like junk because i lack a piece of $30k paper that everyone has..

maybe i dont know who i am anymore.

working so many night shifts isnt helping.. the irregular hours are driving me up the wall.. 5 a month is crazy.. i regretted promising to help my ailing colleague.. i feel like im the one with the ailing health right now.

kindness doesnt pay in this world.. should've realised that by now. i need to get out of this place while my mind is still sane, albeit barely.

life at work is a disappointment, my personal life isnt going well too..

everyone im closer to is leaving training because they cant stand him anymore.. perhaps i should go too but thats the problem with me.. i got issues with letting go of people and things.. just cant do it for nuts.. and im making myself miserable.. to go down and feel the difference between then and now..

people i used to be so close to are drifting further and further away from me.. one by one.. could i have done something to pull them back if i had another chance? i doubt ill be able to persuade them when im on their side too.

how can a team move on when there is a total lack of trust and communication between coach and players?

what i really want to do now is to quit my job and training, go backpacking for months and not come home, get a new job that i like, pick up a new hobby and make new friends, forget him, start life anew.

im really just an escapist at heart.