tkd

listening to jay - long juan feng

i was reading naruto manga online for the whole day and my eyes look @_@ right now. im currently at the part where shikamaru and company is trying to rescue sasuke from the sound ninjas.
i was talking with ch about tkd just now.. the whole conversation started when he asked me whether i intended to stay after my black grading.. well im sort of in a dilemma right now.. ive got a few paths to choose..

Plan A - forget about black belt grading and leave the club now.
Plan B - obtain a black belt status and leave the club.
Plan C - continue to hang around in the club.

now the reasons why im in such a difficult situation right now..

Plan A - thats as well as saying that i gave up halfway.. that ive wasted 2 years of my time without being certified as a black belt in the end.. and remaining as a black tip for the rest of my life isnt a very good idea either.

Plan B - its very bad to leave the club after obtaining black belt. its only right that i stay in the club and help out as a black belt. if i choose to leave in this manner i may be misunderstood as a person who has forgotten her roots and all just because shes a black belt now.

Plan C - i admit i love the club to a certain extent and i treasure the friendship among all the people in team 2 but is it right to stay for the people instead of the art itself..

now lets go all the way back to the beginning of my path in tkd.. my ex bf (thats jun) was a tkd black belt.. when we broke up, the stupid me was so afraid that i wouldnt have the chance to see him again so i thought maybe if i joined tkd i would be able to see him occasionally at the major events.. plus i can have something in common with him even if he already dumped me (how stupid can one get?)..
so i searched through the net, wanting to find a club that is not affiliated to his club and i found one.. which is my current club..
i began my training at the club as a nobody but i could feel the tight bond among all the young adults in the club.. most of them were from the same secondary school.. and had known each other for years.. there was always so much laughter and fun after training..
not long after, i joined this large happy family and was accepted as part of it.. i was devoting a lot of time in training myself up.. i still remember there used to be 4 trainings per week.. my feet were covered with blisters of all sizes but i was happy all the while.. i used to be very happy after getting promoted grade by grade after each grading..
i think i was the happiest during the time when i was a yellow belt.. that was when i started to improve in my skills.. that was when i had people praising me for powerful hand movements.. that was when i was getting promoted faster and faster for my supposedly 'nice' pattern..
after 2 double promotions.. i was a blue belt.. it was also at this time when i started going out with cs.. sir didnt like relationships between people in the club but somehow he didnt stop us from being together..
unhappiness soon stepped in and ruined the great team that we used to have.. people left.. and our morale came to a low.. we worked hard for each and every demo after the incident.. 'we' meaning the current team 2. theres ch, sop, jy, sandy, ming, hong, han, ky(my lil 'brother'), cs(my dear) and me. 10 people. one team.
then cracks began to surface in the club.. another wave of problems set in.. u could say that our team suffered a huge damage (partly my fault.. and i regret it to this very day).. there was no more outings.. no more hearty laughters after trainings.....
we still trained hard for each demo.. we still work as a team.. but the tight bond seemed to have disappeared.. now jy has left.. cs is leaving (he used to have a photo of the tkd ppl by his bedside but it disappeared miraculously when he shifted).. im still stuck in my decision.. ch is going to take a break after the next black belt grading.. hong is going for NS soon.. i wonder what will happen to the club from now on..

my eyes are becoming more and more crossed ( as in cross-eye) after all the typing.. im going to sleep soon.. cs will kill me if he knows that i stayed up too late.. now then i realised that hes the one reminding me to sleep everynight.. now i dont even know wad time im going off to sleep cos im sort of numb to sleepiness (i go to bed without feeling sleey 99% of the time).. im numb to feeling full too (i just eat to my hearts content until i discover that my stomach is becoming like a blown up balloon.. den i hit the red lights..)..

life just feels so different without cs around.. i miss him so much =(..