valentines day

listening to - whirling of my rusty fan

First and foremost.. happy valentines day everyone..

ive got PQS test tomorrow.. i know im supposed to be pulling my hair out mugging but i suddenly have this crazy urge to blog..

so i threw my notes aside and here i am puking out my thoughts for the day..

there was a fire in our department at tan tock seng today.. we were having lecture on thalassemia with dr lai early in the morning when we smell something burning.. but we decided to continue with the lecture since dr lai said he only got a few more slides to go..

before we knew it smoke was gushing into the room through those ventilators (or whatever it is) into our lecture room.. ive never seen white smoke like that before in my life and man.. it smells terrible..

the funny thing was dr lai's reaction.. he was pointing at the smoke (darn calmly) and he said

"i think there are smoke coming in.. we should make a move''

his face was so gong man.. cant stand it.. had a good laugh over it after we moved to a safe place.. the entire corridor was flooded by the smelly smoke..

we were made to stand at some ulu ulu place in the hospital while they cleared the mess up in the lab.. for once i see an old and ulu place in tan tock seng (the hospital looks like a shopping centre to me usually)..

hung around in the lab after they cleared the mess and mr chow decided to send the students home since theres nothing for us to do anyway.. so its a half day off today =)..

aha.. so there goes the interesting story of the day... now im going to blog about love and valentine's day.. but before that.. i shall say something about yesterday..

i was crying (literally) yesterday while drawing the stupid pareto diagram.. i started drawing at 9 but i just cant seem to get it right.. all my classmates told me it was easy... just look at the guidelines in the notes..

so there i was with the notes propped open infront of me.. but i just cant seem to get it right.. it was 11 before i knew it and i still had lots of things that ive not touched.. i felt so stupid and panicky and i didnt know what to do..

then i thought of him.. so i decided to ask him for help cause theres really no one i could turn to in the middle of the night..

so we met at the void deck under his block and he helped me to figure out what went wrong.. he really changed a lot in terms of appearance.. i dont know how to put it in words.. but its just not the old him anymore..

to put it in simpler words.. we were like strangers.. weird and awkward feeling that cannot be described in words.. but my heart sank til it hit rock bottom yesterday.. the last time i feel my heart sinking like that was after the umbrella incident..

shall digress...

the umbrella incident :

we were meeting up for the first time since we broke up to attend the bursary ceremony together last month.. we were walking together but not holding hands for the first time in more than one year.. there was this big gap between us while we were walking.. not a nice feeling..
then all of a sudden it started raining..

he silently took out his umbrella and took it out to give me a shelter from the rain.. he was holding up the umbrella for me.. and almost half of him was drenched in the rain..

he would rather get half of himself drenched than stand nearer to me.. how sad can it go.. that was why i said my heart sank that day..

recalling this incident never failed to make me cry.. i was talking to gwen that day about this incident and she said if she were me.. she will just run away and get drenched in the rain.. i wonder why i didnt think of that at that very moment..

i guess its enough with the sad stuff..

today is valentines day.. and i got no one to celebrate it with me.. i still remember this day last year when he bought the ring for me as a surprise.. this year im all alone.. with the ring tucked nicely under my pillow..

breaking up with him has changed my entire perspective on love.. i dont believe in simple and blissful love anymore.. and i will never trust guys again.. ive heard enough of the 'i wont hurt you' shitty saying..

ive seen enough.. heard enough.. experienced enough of empty and broken promises to last me for a long time.. i will never find the courage to love someone again..

ive sort of build up a protective wall around me.. and i will never allow any guy to walk through this wall again.. cause even though the guy can say all sorts of nice things to me.. he will end up hurting me eventually.. this happened twice and im not going to let it happen again..

but its kind of contradicting actually.. cause i have a hole in the wall that is made for him to come back.. i know he wont.. and will never.. but theres still the tiny tiny hope inside me.. that yearns for him to come back..

to put it in simpler terms.. i only love him and will not give a damn for anyone else.. if some stupid and cock eyed guy out there choose to like me (quite impossible i must say).. im sorry but i cant do anything about it.. cause theres no place in my heart for anyone else..