I was over at cuzzie’s place on Saturday to help her with something and I hanged around for a while until 10+ pm.
I was thinking of taking a leisure walk home but aunt insisted that I took the bus home and even accompanied me to the bus stop. Cuzzie and her only left after seeing me board the bus.
It kind of feels warm to have someone do that for me because I’m usually the one accompanying girl friends and telling them to drop me a message when they’ve reached home.
Aunt also said that she will start to worry and start to call if Cuzzie is still outside with friends when its’ getting late.
Mum never worries when I decide to go for a run alone at weird hours. She never calls me even if I reach home at 4am in the morning. It just feels very sian when friends’ phones start to ring with concerned phone calls while I get none.
We have talked about this before. Mum says she trusts me because she never has to worry about me since young because I am very self-disciplined.
This entire matter is contradicting.
I don’t want people to worry for me and yet, when people really don’t, I will start to wonder if it’s because they don’t care. Deep down, I know that mum cares but somehow…
I’ve got no idea how to put this into words.
Since as long as I can remember, people have been seeing me as this very independent and mature person who handles family responsibilities well and can take whatever life throws at me with no problems.
Like how mum evades and goes running in the opposite direction even if she can sense that I’ve got issues. Like I don’t need encouraging words and I don’t have to talk about it. Like I’m a superhuman who can handle everything all by myself.
In my entire life, people have been telling me ‘You can do it’. ‘I know you can’ without even hearing me off.
No one is me! How and why is everyone thinking that I can do it when I myself am not the slightest bit convinced?!
Honestly, I am kind of sick of this at times. I don’t even go around telling people that I am INDEPENDENT so I’ve got no idea where that comes from either.
To friends out there: Please stop seeing me as a superhuman. I really am just normal.
I don’t know why but I’m easily irritable recently. Maybe it’s the anxiety of having to go to a new environment soon.
2 comments:
hey sweetie.. why u sounded so sian.. i supposed it's e pressure that u r feeling from your upcoming orientation camp.. everyone expects single child to be independent.. i m also in e same boat.. feeling the SAME thing.. times where u feel that u r really not there but everyone assumes that u r that invincible.. nvm..it's juz e stress that causes this... things will get better! =)
lol u nv accept my comment T.T
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